Those Who Frequently Lose Their Husbands Understand

Everything about my married life makes me sick. Whether it’s the sticky feeling on my fingers after slipping medicine into my husband’s morning milk, the crossbow that jams on the stairs, the revolver I tuck under my pillow only to find that when I finally fire at the monster beside me, the chamber lands precisely on an empty round, or the gas igniter that suddenly fails at home just as I head out early for groceries while my husband sleeps—every detail fills me with revulsion. Bai Wei sat quietly across from the therapist, picking at his fingers. The therapist asked, “Wait, are you sure you’re describing your married life?” “In fact, my marriage was quite ordinary. Everything changed after my husband clawed his way back from the grave,” Bai Wei’s eyes were vacant, hollow. “He died, you see, quite normally. As everyone does, sooner or later.” The therapist hesitated, “…Was your husband’s death your doing?” Bai Wei changed the subject. “Before life returns to peace, I want to continue this marriage. Otherwise, I won’t be able to collect his death benefits as his spouse. Please provide counseling so I can face my married life calmly.” The therapist fell silent. * “Men always change after marriage,” Bai Wei’s friend sobbed. “He comes home, lies in bed scrolling through TikTok, doesn’t play piano, doesn’t tidy the backyard—just a moldy potato, a lump of mud, an invader, non-recyclable waste.” Bai Wei replied, “Yes. My marriage is the same. Before we married, if he cut his finger, he bled; hit by a car, he’d be hospitalized; drink half a moldy coconut, straight to the ICU; pushed down the stairs, he’d break half a leg. But after our honeymoon, everything changed.” His friend was baffled. Bai Wei nodded, “Yes, everything changed. A man before and after marriage is like two different creatures.” * I love my wife. After turning over a new leaf, I fell in love with him at first sight. He is gentle, caring, and polite. When I was pushed down the stairs, when I crawled out of the gas explosion, when my leg was crushed by a car reversing in our own garage, he always cared for me at the hospital, never taking his eyes off my oxygen tube. So, whether in life or death, I will always stay by his side. Marriage is an art to be mastered. I will not leave my wife. If he wishes to return to his family, I’ll cling to the car chassis and go with him. If he desires solitude, I’ll become invisible, quietly coiled in the drains. I’ll hide my tentacles, break my habit of attacking people, tuck away my five extra eyes, and become an ordinary auto mechanic—a good husband, building a perfect marriage and giving him all the security he needs. In the tranquil remainder of my existence, this is the only thing I wish to do. I think he knows he is my wife, after all, he’s never denied it. A haunting, unyielding inhuman specter as the seme, and a (kidnapped) neurotic, innately antisocial former villain as the uke. Anticipated work: “After Pretending to Be My Widow and Claiming My Inheritance” On the day Shi Yunyu reached the peak of nascent soul cultivation, a sudden realization struck: he was a vicious supporting male character in several novels. His nemesis was a dragon-hero protagonist of humble origin, clear in love and hate, who’d rise to greatness at the first sign of trouble. His confidant was a cunning double-agent, black-bellied and proud, regarding everyone as pawns. His slave was a ruthlessly cold assassin protagonist, selfish and vengeful. Even the junior brother who stole the sect’s attention was a beloved, lucky darling with protagonist’s fate. What’s more, Shi Yunyu’s true identity was a memory-lost celestial immortal, descended to the mortal world to undergo tribulation. At this point, he had already disguised himself as a woman to break off an engagement with his nemesis, making a three-year pact with him. He accepted love-locks from his confidant, who claimed to have crafted them by hand, and, finding their design pleasing, turned around and gifted identical ones to five different people. He coquettishly asked his slave to create a love gu for him, and even stole the first kiss of the junior brother who shared a life-and-death feud with him. He’d unwittingly gathered a horde of ruthless people, playing the field, and every one of them approached him with ulterior motives. Disheartened, Shi Yunyu fumbled his web of connections and decided to fake his death and disappear before turning into a universal pariah. He casually saved the world in passing, becoming a dark legend of the cultivation world. From that day on, the past became nothing but smoke. * However, Shi Yunyu soon made a tragic discovery—he had forgotten to take his fortune with him when he faked his death! After years of scraping by in hardship, Shi Yunyu couldn’t let go of his billions in assets. After much deliberation, he shamelessly decided to return in disguise as his own widow to claim the inheritance. Faking his death had won him both fame and infamy; his mountain, guarded by powerful spells, had kept his wealth untouched all these years. Dressed as a woman, veiled and reciting the legendary love story between himself and a mortal woman, Shi Yunyu gazed at the distant misty mountains, full of confidence. Surely, no one would care about a fallen playboy, nor question his identity—at the very least, he could walk away with the most precious treasures. After all, isn’t it only natural for someone as perfect as me to choose myself? Oh, wait, I’m not me, I’m the Celestial Lord Wujie… No, I’m not Celestial Lord Wujie… Until— Shi Yunyu (sobbing): “He said before he died that this sword worth ten million was meant to be mine…” Confidant (expressionless): “I forged it for him, blood-bonded with my own heart’s blood.” Shi Yunyu: “…This hairpin my husband casually bought for me on the roadside…” Nemesis: “I spent three nights carving it from a wooden sword my master left me.” Shi Yunyu: “This crystal my husband picked up in a secret realm…” Junior brother: “I crawled from the demonic abyss, battered and bloody, and tossed it onto his path myself.” Shi Yunyu: (Wait, all these treasures I was so lucky to stumble upon—they were secretly gifted by you all?) Gritting his teeth, Shi Yunyu finally picked up the mirror, the one he most detested because it was always seized by force, surely not a gift from the demon lord. Yet from the mirror came the demon lord’s voice: “Beloved, I fell for you at first sight. Since your husband is gone, why not join me in the demon realm?” Shi Yunyu: ??? He turned to the group, forcing the words out: “So… is there anything else any of you secretly gave… to me, or to my husband?” When no one was around, the upright, principled senior brother—who had never been ensnared by Shi Yunyu’s antics—approached with a blank expression. “This veil can conceal both your appearance and your cultivation.” Shi Yunyu: …