143 Lingering Feelings

I have suffered from insomnia for another day. I have come to realize, more and more, that my feelings for Jiang Xuan have taken deep root before I even knew it, and I am only now belatedly aware of them.

Facing Jiang Xuan after speaking those words to him caused me great internal torment.

I had always thought that love was not something I should ever concern myself with. My mother married my father, yet she never lived a happy day, and after giving birth to me, she left this world. I never saw my father miss her, nor did he ever truly hold me, his daughter, in his heart. Thus, to me, love has always seemed both ethereal and unreliable.

Yet, now that I have finally tasted this feeling, it is undeniably real. Recalling everything that has happened—the sweetness and the bitterness—it all feels so vivid. Based on my understanding of Jiang Xuan, I do not believe he would be as heartless as my father. But, as fate would have it, he is the one person I love yet cannot possess. Not only can I not have him, but I cannot even tell him how I feel; I must keep this affection buried deep within my heart.

Love is also a matter of conjecture. Once I realized my own feelings, I found myself unable to be certain of how Jiang Xuan feels about me. My heart longs for a reciprocated sentiment, yet I do not want Jiang Xuan to feel the same. For one, I cannot imagine how he could possibly be moved by me, knowing my current status as a eunuch. For another, I would rather suffer this pain alone than see Jiang Xuan troubled because of me.

If Jiang Xuan truly feels nothing for me, then how do I explain his behavior these past few days? It is not as if I am unaware of how coldly he treats others.

The more I think, the more distressed I become. And yet, I cannot sleep. This thing called love is truly vexing.

It was nearly dawn when I finally drifted off, only to be awakened shortly after to prepare breakfast for Han Feiyue. The moment I rose, my thoughts turned to what Jialin had told me yesterday.

Today, she is to enter Jiang Xuan’s palace. Even without a grand wedding, she will henceforth be his wife.

Jiang Xuan will eventually have to marry and have children; he cannot possibly settle for a eunuch like me. I consoled myself with this thought and hurried to the small kitchen to prepare breakfast for Han Feiyue.

The day felt unusually long, dragging by much slower than usual.

Noticing my distraction, Han Feiyue asked, "Little Xiao, you seem to be troubled."

I quickly replied, "The servant has no such thing, my lady."

"Today is the Ninth Prince's wedding day, isn't it?"

I was stunned, wondering how Han Feiyue could have known.

Han Feiyue continued, "The Sixth Prince mentioned it to me yesterday. Do you wish to go and join the festivities?"

I said, "The servant has no such desire. Besides, it is not a grand wedding, so I imagine it won't be very lively."

Han Feiyue replied, "Even if it isn't, there will be much activity in the Cuiwei Palace and the Ninth Prince’s residence. You are originally from the Cuiwei Palace, yet I have kept you here; it must be difficult for you. Go and take a look. I shall go speak with the hermit this afternoon, so you may consider yourself excused."

"Lady Feiyue, there is no need..."

"Consider it me finding you noisy and wanting a moment of peace. You, Little Xiao, why must you be so hesitant?"

Seeing her insistence, I could only say, "Then this servant will go and return quickly."

Han Feiyue added, "Although I have never been close with the Ninth Prince, I know this marriage is certainly not his wish. He is merely another person like myself. Consider it a favor to me to offer him some comfort. Both he and I are people who have no control over our own fates."

"As you command!"

***

Even though Han Feiyue said this, I did not truly wish to go there. I know full well that I have not reached the state of mind where I can watch Jiang Xuan and Jialin together and remain indifferent.

Since Han Feiyue had sent me away, I decided to head to Nanxun Palace to check on Xiao Ruo.

I had heard from a maid that Xiao Ruo was not in a good position, and I wanted to see how she was faring. In these circumstances, having a relative nearby might make me feel a little better.

Huayang Palace is some distance from Nanxun Palace, and I was so lost in thoughts of Jiang Xuan that I let my mind wander. By the time I regained my senses, I realized I had taken the wrong path. The further I walked, the more remote the area became. I had expected to find nothing of interest here, but after passing through a palace wall, I discovered a hidden world.

Rippling lake water, green banks, and blue skies—a pebble-paved path led down to the water’s edge, where willow trees swayed like the graceful figures of dancing girls.

I felt a sudden joy, having stumbled upon such a scene by accident. Just as I was about to go to the lakeside to sit and clear my mind, I heard voices.

I was startled, realizing the sound came from the rockery by the lake. The rocks were stacked together like small caves, making it easy for someone to hide within.

"Your Highness, I have missed you so dearly lately." The voice was coquettish and tender, piercing to the bone. What shocked me was not the tone, but the speaker. Was that not Xiao Ruo?

The "Your Highness" she addressed—was it the Emperor, or Jiang Yun!?

Jiang Yun?

I was startled by the thought. Xiao Ruo is now a noble lady; surely she would not maintain such a relationship with Jiang Yun. If it were exposed, both of them would face the death penalty.

Before I could dismiss the thought, I wondered why, if it were the Emperor, they would need to hide here.

"If you hadn't been chosen by the Emperor that day, you might have been my consort by now!"

It was indeed Jiang Yun!

"Your Highness, I only intended to offer birthday wishes to the Emperor; I never imagined he would take a fancy to me. I know I have failed your deep affection. Now that the Crown Princess is pregnant, if you were to forget me, I would not blame you."

Jiang Yun said, "What nonsense is this? Your being chosen by the Emperor was not your intention. I know you could not resist. That I am still willing to see you means I do not blame you. Although Feiyue is carrying my child, you have always known that both Feiyue and Wu’e were forced upon me by the Emperor and Empress; I have no feelings for them. Ah-Ruo, you are the only one in my heart, yet we are forced into this—it is truly the cruelty of fate."

Xiao Ruo replied softly, "I cannot repay your deep affection. I shall never speak such words again. There is no such thing as you abandoning me; only I would never leave you. Your Highness, please do not let my words affect your mood."

Jiang Yun sighed, "It is not entirely because of you. It is also because of myself."

"Is there something troubling you, Your Highness? Please, tell me."

"I have yet to consummate my marriage with Wu’e. The Empress knows this and presses me daily. She worries that Wu’e will tell Minister Gong, and if the Minister no longer supports me in court, I would lose much of my influence."

Xiao Ruo gasped, "Your Highness, how can it be that you have not yet..."

"I have always looked at Wu’e as a younger sister. Before we were married, she seemed somewhat cute, but now, she causes such a ruckus in the palace that my head throbs. She is arrogant, overbearing, and chatters incessantly; I would rather not return to the Eastern Palace at all. If she had even half of your gentleness, Ah-Ruo, I would not treat her so."

"Your Highness, although I do not wish for you to be with other women, you are the Crown Prince; you cannot afford to lose Minister Gong’s support. The Empress is right—you must force yourself to accept it for the sake of your future."

***

"I know. I intend to sleep in Wu’e’s quarters these next few days. But I was so frustrated that I had to meet you. The Emperor is occupied with the Ninth Prince's affairs today and will not notice my absence."

Xiao Ruo asked, "The Ninth Prince is marrying today; although it is a low-key affair, shouldn't you be there to offer your congratulations?"

Jiang Yun sneered, "Such a matter that damages the dignity of our royal house—it is better that I do not go. It is merely a palace maid; is that really worth my congratulations?"

"Has something happened between you and the Ninth Prince?"

"It is the same old conflict between princes that has existed since ancient times. You understand, don't you?"

Xiao Ruo was shocked, "You mean to say the Ninth Prince has..."

"How many princes are there without such ambitions? I once thought the Ninth Brother was not like that. But now, his many actions clearly show he is vying for the Emperor's favor, and he is at odds with me. I have finally seen his true colors."

"If one day the Ninth Prince truly commits an act of rebellion, what would you do, Your Highness?"

"I would follow the Emperor's example and show no mercy."

*Show no mercy!* He meant he would kill Jiang Xuan. Perhaps one day, when he ascends the throne, even if Jiang Xuan does not covet it, Jiang Yun will not show mercy.

I realized my palms were slick with sweat! Jiang Yun’s words echoed incessantly in my mind.

"Enough, let us not talk of men’s affairs. I know you have suffered grievances these days, which is why I came to keep you company. However, I am actually glad the Emperor does not favor you."

Xiao Ruo said, "Your Highness, if I had a choice, I would not want the Emperor to favor me either. But you know that in this harem, only the Emperor’s favor is the most powerful weapon. Now that I am neglected, the other ladies hold me in contempt, and even the supplies from the Imperial Household Department are the worst. I feel that my life now is not even as happy as it was when I was in the Bureau of Palace Attire."

As she spoke, Xiao Ruo began to sob.

"I know, how could I not know? I have been selfish, thinking only of myself without considering your plight. It is my fault. I will speak to the Empress. When you go to pay your respects, try to please her; if she is willing to speak to the Emperor on your behalf, there may still be hope."

"Your Highness, would that not be too difficult for you?"

"If it is for your sake, what does it matter? Ah-Ruo, you are the only one I can speak to, the only one who brings me comfort. It is truly laughable; I am the Crown Prince, the future sovereign, yet I have no one by my side to talk to. And with you, we must hide and sneak about—it is truly suffocating."

"Your Highness, do you think I feel any different?"

"Ah-Ruo, how wonderful it would be if we could always be together like this."

"Your Highness, once you ascend the throne, Ah-Ruo will be yours forever."

I was stunned by Xiao Ruo's words. I never expected her to say such things. But ever since she appeared at the banquet in that dress, she was no longer the Xiao Ruo I once knew. She had finally been tainted by the harem, and she had begun to change. I only hope she does not become like so many other women in this palace—hurtful, ruthless, and willing to do anything for her own gain.